Life Drawing...

I told myself a while ago to do something every day that scares me. I haven't always kept it up (though 'luckily' there is a lot that scares me so I just naturally do it quite often!) but today I did it purposely.

Everyone else here as been joining societies in the last few weeks, but I hadn't decided what I wanted to do. I'm not particularly good at sports and they cost a lot to join anyway. I'm not much of a dancer, cheerleader, musician or political activist so I was feeling a bit lost.

It got me down a little bit that all my friends seem to know so clearly and confidently what they are passionate about, and are good at it too, where-as I don't seem to know what I like, what I'm good at or the person I want to be. Or at least I'm afraid to let that person show.

Then I saw the Art Society. I like art. And they have life drawing classes every week. The email said it would be relaxed with no expectation of people having particular drawing skills.

Even with that assurance, I was still vacillating all week about whether I would actually go. Today I bought a sketch pad and a pencil and went home and practiced. I told myself if I could draw something half-decent I might go.

So my practicing wasn't awful, and I told myself not to be a chicken, and just to go this once and if I hated it I never had to go again. But even as I was getting on the bus, thinking there's no turning back now, I was having mental pictures of walking into a room full of serious art students who would frown down their noses at this girl who'd not drawn in years and who didn't even know which type of paper or pencils to bring.

I found a seat in the room full of people with sketch pads, who to my initial horror did look very artsy. I sat next to two girls, and one of them turned to me and asked "Have you done this before?"
"No," I replied grimacing nervously.
"Oh, neither have I. I'm a bit scared," She said.
Oh, I can breath again!! I relaxed instantly finding I wasn't going to be the only one who didn't know what they were doing.

The next surprise was that it was nude life drawing class - which I guess is what life drawing is, I just hadn't really thought about it - or if I had I just thought of still life.

I should remember that things are never as bad as I worry they are going to be, and that I'm not the only one who feels scared about things, and people aren't going to judge me for it.

I am so glad I went now. I really enjoyed it and I think my pictures, though rough and unfinished, were ok for a first attempt. (Though the longer I sit and look at them the more critical I become.) Occassionally I would, after thinking 'ok, that doesn't look too bad', look around the room and see the real artists drawings and feel a bit discouraged, but I'm happy with my attempts.

Here's some photos of two of the six or so poses we sketched (actually on white paper but comes out brown in the photo) - the first was done in 10 minutes, and the last one was the 40 minute pose (both still unfinished and sketchy though.)

This trip to England has been the best thing I've ever done. I've already started to find the things I was missing before and getting to know who I really am - and getting the confidence to let that show. I know that I love art (even if I'll never be an artist), that I love to write and I know I have something to say in me somewhere waiting to come out, and that I really do love books and literature.

In the past few years I'd become a bit jaded and indifferent I think, just getting bogged down in the mundane side of university and forgetting about how much more there is to life, and how much enjoyment there is to be had out of it. And I really have to remember to thank the great people I've met here who have changed me this way, especially Bjorn. He inspires me.

Well, that was my little introspective session. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot more about myself in the weeks to come and probably write about that here too, so thanks for reading and coming on this journey with me